“Kissing Joy”

By Dr. Roxanne Daleo

Have you ever noticed the way a humming bird darts from one flower to the next, barely staying long enough for you to observe this little creature? Seems the humming

bird has mastered the art of “kissing joy”; it is the practice of the light touch. As it navigates its world, the hummingbird is touching but not holding onto the sweetness or the non-sweetness of life

In my work helping anxious children help themselves calm down, I find it is their

perception of the event in their lives that causes most distress. They are not realizing

they are the ones who assign meaning to all events. Here’s an example: Katie explains, “this bad thing happened at school— everyone keeps looking at me and saying I look sad, am I ok?”

The essential ingredient for tapping into our inner resources is to understand we always

have a choice about how we label the events. Our own mind can heal or hurt us; awareness is the path to manage our ocean of emotion. Awareness is being present without labeling, criticizing, or judging.

The most common reaction to the good things that happen in life is to try to hold on,

hold on tighter, making every effort to have that good stay and wall out the bad stuff.

Try as we may, we don’t want anything bad to happen to us; whatever “bad” is! And-

if that bad thing does happen, we’ll say: ”This is a very bad, horrible, terrible thing!”

Rather than, suspending judgement and saying to yourself: “This is interesting…could be bad, could be good.”

In the teaching tale, Zen Shorts: The Farmer’s Luck, the story reveals the assumptions

of what the neighbors call “bad luck” or “good luck” turns out to be the opposite. Through various experiences, the farmer resists the temptation to agree with his neighbors’ opinions. For example, his son falls off a horse and breaks his leg, everyone says, that’s too bad, bad luck! But, in fact, a few days later when the soldiers come to their village to take able-bodied young men off to war, his son is passed over because he has a broken leg!

Can we be both present to the experiences of our lives while, at the same time, being non-judgmental, accepting and curious?

Can we learn to see them, be with the experience without trying to push it away? Can we allow ourselves to feel difficult feelings, rest in it and be?

And if it is a happy, welcomed event, can you learn that ”kissing joy” as she flies by is a wonderful way to play with your imagination, tapping your inner resources in order to be present, notice, enjoy it but not become attached to it? Kiss it and let it go.

And then can you practice, with this same awareness, to be present and notice when something seems awful? Can you practice watching your feelings of sadness without getting lost in them?

Like gathering, collecting all life experiences, noticing the contrast like the many shades of green in nature’s landscape?

Say to yourself: “As I use all my senses to take note and savor,

I am present and open to all the feelings in my life.”

The practice of “kissing joy” is an opportunity to become aware of how you can direct your mind to focus- without judging, without making a strong, negative opinion; but rather, just noticing and collecting.

Making a collecting basket, is a tangible way to practice this idea and internalize it for yourself and your child. Say to yourself, “Today, as I am filling my basket with the little things in life— good or bad, happy or sad. I am noticing and collecting with awareness, gentleness and gratitude.”

So fill your basket, as you expand your awareness.

Say to yourself; “ I’m feeling the warm breeze on my face or

I’m hearing a song that makes me cry” …

Imagine putting it all in your basket for the day.

Throughout your day, you may want to place in your basket objects like a special photograph or the penny you found on the ground.

At the end of your day, the contents can be taken out and reflected upon as a form of

awareness practice. Be gentle with yourself.

Then you can begin all over again the next day. Empty out the contents; let go of the previous day to make room for the new, the now, of today.

As in the ancient mediative tradition, keep your basket empty. When you do, it becomes a practice of taking in, breathing, watching, and recognizing the every day passing events–like ”kissing joy” lightly, not tightly!

As joy flies by as you’re on your way

Give it a kiss and go on with your day.

Embrace the fullness of all that you feel

Welcoming everything-keep even your keel!

Wisdom runs deepest, your open heart knows

To gather the highs, as well as the lows

“Kissing joy” instead of holding too tight

Offers the lesson: there’s no wrong, no right.

How To Make A “Kissing Joy” Cornucopia

“As I gather, reflect and release the bits and pieces of my day

I feel peace, kiss joy and gratitude experienced on my way!”

www.drroxannedaleo.com

1. Take this sheet of paper and decorate the blank side on back (or both sides if you wish) with crayons, markers or anything else that make it special and unique to you.

2. Start at the bottom right corner of this page (with the text side facing up) and begin rolling the sheet on a diagonal from bottom right to top left.

3. As you roll the paper and the top fans out into an open cone, keep the left bottom corner of the page in a tight point.

4. Secure the long outside edge of the paper with tape.

5. Use the cornucopia as a holder of daily things for which you want to be mindful and give thanks. You can place actual objects such as a a shell, acorn, leaf, or coin as well as pieces of paper on which are drawn or written personal experiences such as “walking through crunchy leaves on a sunny autumn day”, or “discovering a new ice cream flavor because the store was out of my usual favorite”. The idea is to take notice of gifts and opportunities in the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows, the rain and the rainbow.

6. Once collected, take time at the end of your day to look at your cornucopia and its contents and reflect back on the simple things that reveal themselves to us each and every ordinary day and the blessings they hold. Each day gives us new opportunities to discover and explore joy.

“As the school season kicks off, Dr. Roxie reminds us that just as we would
teach our children the art of penmanship, first letters then words and
sentences;

we must also teach our children the art of “thoughtmanship.”

Before you speak, think about your message- whether it is self-talk or
talking

to others, be deliberate with your thoughts and words. Because your
thoughts are carried by your words. And your words generate the energy of
your intention. Your energy can be felt, it goes in front of you when
entering a room.

Dr. Roxie’s guided imagery relaxation audios teach you and your child how
to foster powerful “thoughtmanship”- here’s a sample Mp3 perfect for
broadcasting. She uses metaphors, music, nature sounds and children’s
laughter as well as her own soothing voice to guide the listener with
rhythm and rhyme to imagine.

“…you can do it, you can make a pearl from a grain of sand in the magic
of now all things are possible, in the magic of the moment in this one and
this one too… you can turn your pesky thoughts around and create
something new. You can make a difference, you can make yourself feel
better…Love yourself, believe you

can…”

Dr. Roxie is available to discuss more mind/body strategies from her
upcoming book for you and your child, *Energy Blueprint of Health Integrity*
.

Visit: www.drroxannedaleo.com for FREE Gift

“All the flowers of tomorrow are planted in the seeds of today.”

By Dr. Roxanne Daleo

Today, we need to plant some “seeds of change.” Change for the better! We all have the potential to use our inner vision to see a world we want to live into! Holding an intention of what we want” is empowering.

Ask, “what do I consciously want to create?” The choices we make will determine the quality of life on our planet. Now is the time to decide. Let’s create a new world rather than be diminished by fear.

Mindful seed planting builds self-esteem, creativity and generosity.

Furthermore, selecting seeds for growing herbs that calm you is an additional

measure of body/mind wisdom. For example, camomile and lemon balm make soothing teas,

perfect to drink in the late afternoon or right before bed.

Our minds are like gardens. We can grow either thorny weeds by thinking negative, fearful thoughts or we can grow beautiful, tender flowers.

Here’s a simple, tangible way to encourage yourself and your child to develop health integrity that encompasses all aspects of their being- mind, body, and spirit.

Find an empty egg carton for planting seeds of change. Fill the each egg cup with potting soil. Ask your child to label each row of two cups with a word describing their ideal world such as peaceful, healthy, happy. Water the seeds and place in the sunlight. Watch what happens when the magic of intention is energized!

Many cultures around the world believe the egg is the symbol of new beginnings, fertility, the genesis of gods, the earth and life itself. With the beauty of Spring finally upon us, I thought I might share with you a way to use the tradition of decorating eggs as a symbol of inner peace thus, tapping into and finding the calm within each of us. Here’s how.

Let’s remind our child that the shell is the protective outer covering for the yoke which is inside.

Now, let’s use guided imagery to imagine being in a place that is safe and secure. Tell your child to close his eyes and picture a clear, see through, luminous egg of protection all around him. And just as the yoke rests inside the shell, tell your child: “you have a place to rest that cannot be disturbed, always available to you when you remember your invisible luminous egg of protection all around you. This is your place to find the quiet you, the peaceful you. Breathe a long, deep breath in and out, sit, rest. All is well and so it is.”

Now when you decorate eggs, consider labeling them with the words: peace, calm, quiet me, the me I love! Have fun!

For more visit: www.drroxannedaleo.com

Free consultation on how to calm down and be happy and healthy.

And Why Gold Stars, Stickers & Bribes Do Not Work!
By Dr. Roxanne Daleo

Do you believe your child will become a leader because she makes straight A’s on her report card? Do you think a shopping spree at the Mall or date at the nail salon spa will improve her self-concept?

These and other questions came to my mind when I recently counseled parents whose 7th grade daughter compelled them to reward her for good grades. They told me each of them told their daughter how proud they were but also decided to award her ten dollars for each A; she earned five out of six subjects.

I ask you, do you think rewards will motivate your child toward such attributes as happiness, pride and self-confidence? How do we cultivate prosocial behavior helping our child develop virtues of kindness, generosity and excellence toward themselves and others? Behaviors that foster the idea: there is value in aiming for the greater good of all concerned as opposed to self-serving, ego-centric behavior? Currently the trend is more toward: “what’s in it for me?” mentality.

Do you notice the more you bribe your child, the more demanding, inflexible and intolerable she gets?

I believe only someone who has a strong sense of self can lead others. A leader knows the greater good of the whole. A leader has clarity and holds that clear vision in front of the group. A leader motivates others to work together as a “unit”, a team, a family. A leader has the ability to redirect the team when necessary in order to stay on course. A leader has qualities of self-confidence, full self-expression and competence. Most important, a leader is capable of balance between esteem and humility.

The reason gold stars, stickers and bribes do not work is because these are based on extrinsic measures to motivate a child rather than motivating intrinsically from an inner drive. Extrinsic rewards depend on outside forces. Parents and teachers rule and hold the standard of conduct rather than intrinsic reward which inspires conduct for its own sake. This gives the individual a feeling of pride because he feels good about himself.

Does your child feel good about herself? How do you know? How do you keep that feeling going as your child meets greater and greater challenges?

To answer these questions, let’s get back to our 7th grader who received ten dollars per “A” on her report card. Don’t you know, she was thrilled! Then the next day, realizing she had a test in French which she only rated a “B” average, she decided to cut class in dance, put in more study time in order to ace her French test.

Am I the only stickler here or can you also see there’s something wrong with this way of thinking? You trade off one bad habit for another when you bribe your child to get an “A” at all costs. In fact, you are creating loss somewhere else. In this case, it’s a lack of respect for the commitment to the dance class and poor time management because of distorted priorities,
judgement is off which leads to dysfunctional behaviors.

Am I being too harsh? I don’t think so, the most powerful learning mechanism is consequences. There is a cause and effect to everything in life. It’s one of the laws of the Universe, called karma. Karma acts like a boomerang. What you put out will come back, so watch your back!

A good way to teach your child this principle is to take your child outdoors to your backyard, throw the boomerang at him and let him see it circle back to the thrower. Now give him a turn. Amazing thing, really. I had a friend who’d go into schools with his “Boomerang Program” to illustrate this very principle; his programs were quite popular.

Doing something for its own sake can be the reward when fostered early in childhood. I remember the story my husband told me about his boyhood family vacation. His father decided to drive cross-country to visit the National Parks of America. Six kids and two adults piled into “Woody,” their station wagon; thrilled to travel for five summer weeks! He described the scene to me: My father would pull into a camp grounds and park the car. Dad never gave orders, he didn’t say a word. My brothers and I appointed ourselves in charge of pitching the tent while my sisters brought out the food, pots and pans and sleeping bags. Everyone seemed clear how they were to contribute to the task at hand and we just did-happily-what had to be done!

Recently I had lunch with a prep school classmate. She described her situation with her son. She and her husband decided to enroll Tyler (not his real name) in private school for fourth grade because he was not being academically challenged in the public school. When they made the switch, Tyler rebelled. One night during the first week of being in his new school, his mother said she heard him sobbing from his bedroom. This distressed her deeply. So she decided to allow him to go back to his old school for a day to visit his buddies and check out for himself what he was missing. To her surprise, Tyler could feel the difference being with his old friends and it wasn’t the same as the year before. He said to his folks, he realized the new school was better for him and more challenging. Basically, Tyler had an inner instinct that helped him figure out for himself that private school was a good place for him. He made the adjustment and thrived there.

Both of these stories illustrate a young person’s intrinsic motivation.

Whatever your religious tradition may be, invoking a spiritual dimension (expressed as “God,” the “divine,” or simply “love” or “caring” or “goodness”) can be a powerful way of helping a child find a deeper appreciation of himself and others. For me, having been raised in the Catholic tradition, this was put in terms of “God” and the divine — but you can adapt this to whatever your own beliefs or traditions are. 

“We all have the extraordinary encoded within us waiting to be released,” says Jean Houston one of the most influential thought leaders of our times.
In some form and in your own way, remind your child that all the energy, all the power, all the wisdom of the Universe is inside you right now, you are made in the likeness of the Creator. Claim your spiritual ID.

I remember being told God is like the ocean, you are a spoonful of that “God-ness” that “goodness.”

The first key to embracing ourselves as divine is through giving. St. Frances said “It is in giving that we receive.” To give: attention, a love note, a smile, a beautiful flower is a gesture of just connecting to the other person to be kind and caring. This is a lesson many kindergarten children learn through the model set by a parent or teacher.

Self-esteem is the awareness of our innate goodness. It is present when a youngster feels good about himself. I foster self-esteem by helping children to see the impact of their kindness or of sharing by bringing their attention to the face of the other child to whom they gave.
I would say, “Johnny, that was very thoughtful of you to give a cookie to Mary. Look at her face, is she smiling? “
Johnny says, Yes!” 
I say, “And how do you think that made her feel? 
Johnny says, “Happy!” 
I say, “And how does it make you feel to know you shared your cookies with her? 
Johnny says, “Good.”
I say, “Yes, you are a caring person.”

SUMMARY OF KEYS TO BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM
1.Catch your child in the act of being caring and sharing and you will get more of that behavior. Slow down the action by deliberately bringing attention of the one who gave, to the expression of joy on the face of the other. This is an emotionally intelligent way of building your child’s self-esteem. Self-concept grows out of the positive and negative experiences in your child’s life; so be on the look out for the positive ones and amplify the influence these experiences have by making sure your child “sees and feels” good about himself in the process.

2 The second key to building self-esteem is found when we model how to take our attention off our own problems and worries and focus, instead, on what we can do for someone else. The simple shift in thinking about “the other” – our brother, our sister, allows the child to lose track of  circumstance and create an act of kindness and caring for its own sake. An act of caring done without any expectation of getting something in return.

3.Prompt your child by having a short conversation about ideas that would help the other member of the family or would offer an expression of joy and love for them. When you take the time to do this, you help your child truly know their own identity and significance.

4.Tell your child about the day or night they were born. Children love to hear about the excitement of their birth. Use storybooks like: “Knots On A Counting Rope” by Bill Martin, Jr. and
“On the Night You Were Born” by Nancy Tillman.

5. Tell you child how you named him and why. This kind of personal information gives your child awareness of his identity and significance. Read this bedtime story: “The Incredible You” written by Wayne Dyer.

You are here
and not yet there.
You are Now
and wonder how?

I tell you truly
The reason easy
You are Love
as the old world’s undone
You are the Love
Needed to make a new one.

You are here
And not yet there
Not knowing can bring fear
In the threshold
there is stillness, where you’ll get clear
In the threshold
Patience and courage will appear

Know your gifts
Now, your chance to use them
Make a world of difference
It’s your time to be bold.
Go through the threshold
As the new world unfolds.