Cultivate Healthy Happy Self-Esteem

“The Time Travel Technique”

By Dr. Roxanne Daleo

Have you ever heard or had someone say to you, with good intentions of course, “how can you be so dumb as to…!”

Educational social psychologist, John Gottman’s research on the impact of criticism reports that five positive to one negative criticism mars the individual’s self-concept. In other words, it takes five times as many praises to one critical comment to restore a person’s esteem. That is why the old saying which my mom often referred to is so true: “you catch more flies with honey!”

You can capture your child’s heart with sweetness and honey words of praise using the following. “The Time Travel Technique” illustrates a clever way to anchor your child’s attention in his/her innate positive personal aspects to leverage fostering feeling good about him/herself.

Self-love is essential to self-esteem. You can cultivate the capacity for your child to feel good about himself as he grows into his future-self. How? By helping your child name and know those traits about himself he’s proud of and appreciates about himself. Listing the positive virtues acts like a propeller for healthy, positive self-concept. Consistency is key to the development of positive self-regard.

Here’s how you can make it work. Start with those physical attributes your child was born with such as, the color of her hair, the dimples in her smile, the brightness of his eyes, etc. and name those attractive aspects after a bath or hair washing. “The Time Travel Technique” begins by bringing your child’s attention to:

1.the PRESENT moment “Oh, your hair looks so beautiful today, especially shiny after it’s washed!”

2.Then travel to the PAST “I remember when you were a little baby, the color of your hair in the sunlight brought out the beautiful color!”

3.Next travel to the FUTURE “And I know tomorrow when you brush your hair after a wash, it will glimmer and glow that special color!”

Allow your voice to have a rhythm which your child can follow. Jumping back and forth in the fashion of jumping double-dutch. Notice you can use your voice to lead your child’s reasoning back to the past babyhood, then present, then future self and back again. Back and forth, all the while inserting “yes!” and “you see that?” and “yes!”

Let’s try this technique to point out behaviors that reveal qualities you want to develop in your child. You can give your child the compliment that matches their capabilities and competence in this way.

1.Bring your child’s attention to the PRESENT moment “And you know, honey, that was so kind and caring of you to give your baby brother some of your toys to play with.”

2.Then travel to the PAST “And, yesterday, I noticed how you want good things for other family members and your friends too; like when you read Grandma’s favorite book to her! Yes!”

3. Travel to the FUTURE “And I know tomorrow, when someone needs your kindness, you’ll give them your caring attention by asking ‘can I help you?’”

This script serves as a method to have your child envision or visualize a positive self- image. I call this “phase-ology.” It is the science of visualizing into the future using precise scripting or narrating.

When you help your child know his significance and identity, you cultivate a strong sense of self. By pointing out the behaviors that are life-long skills in managing his emotions, your child receives social and emotional education. Try this next one, it’s the most valuable capacity he can master.

1.Bring your child’s attention to the PRESENT moment: “Hey, Jerry, I noticed you calmed your-self. You calmed down using self-talk! I heard you say to yourself: ‘don’t punch, stay calm.”

2.Travel to the PAST “When you were a baby in your crib, you could calm down by singing and humming to yourself, did you know that?”

3.Travel to the FUTURE “Yes, and I know tomorrow, you’ll remember to slow down, breathe and sing to yourself instead of hitting and throwing things. Yes, and that’s because inside you, you have a special way of calming yourself naturally and automatically by humming and singing. Do you see that? Yes, that’s so wonderful, really, honey!”

As parents and teachers, we can either “uplift” our children and others or “tear down” by our energy and the words we choose.

You can make a difference in the way your child feels about him/herself by putting FOCUS on the now, anchoring a knowingness of the self from the past, then bringing attention to the future-oriented behavior. That’s how you time travel with parental potency and positivity, instead of yelling, reprimanding or criticizing.

Remember the magic ratio is 5:1. It takes five positive comments to offset one negative comment. So be on the alert to catch your child in the act of doing something he/she can be proud of and remark on that, reinforce that good thing about your child and you’ll get good behavior. But more importantly, your child will grow a truly good feeling about him/herself and his capabilities. Look here This is the basis for healthy self-concept.

Guided Imagery Relaxation

with Fingerhold to Calm Your Child

By Dr. Roxanne Daleo

The holidays are exciting for children and adults alike, but they can also cause intense outbursts for children unable to manage their emotions. Also because children are so open, they are very  sensitive to picking up on the emotions of other children and adults in their environment around them. Everyone is stretched and stressed from the hectic atmosphere leading up to the holidays.

The following techniques may be helpful when your child is becoming overwhelmed and can help your child learn the valuable social-emotional behavior of calming down.

Guided Imagery Relaxation is a powerful form of mind/body medicine helping children help themselves be calm, reduce stress and negative strong emotions.

For over twenty years, I have been developing these techniques to assist children with conditions from anxiety to chronic illness. Guided imagery activates your child’s imagination using cadenced storytelling, music and breathing designed to create pictures in the mind that calm and settle the listener.

When you open your child’s mind to the power within themselves to regroup and return to balance, you awaken their inner energies of self-regulation, centering and positive self-talk. All three are necessary to gain mastery for emotional intelligence.

The fingerhold is a simple practice of holding each finger. You can choose the finger with the corresponding emotion that is of issue (see diagram). Or you can hold one finger at a time and complete a cycle of all five fingers. The thumb hold is for upset; the index finger for scared; the middle finger hold for mad; the ring finger for worried and the pinky finger for feeling bad.

The fingerhold has a self-soothing quality; it is one reason why children suck their thumbs or other fingers when they are upset. But more importantly, the technique is grounded in ancient healing traditions.

This technique is based on Eastern Medicine philosophy that believe we have life force energy that flows through our bodies, along pathways called meridians, from our internal organs out to our fingertips and toes. According to Eastern tradition, when we cannot move our emotions through, they get blocked. You and your child can unblock the stuck energy of emotion using the mind/body wisdom always available, ready to be tapped. 

Coupled together, guided imagery and the fingerhold techniques can help release the blocked energy and provide relief, especially with young children who are experiencing overwhelming or difficult feelings. Being able to actively do something provides your child with a sense of control which leads to feeling calm and centered.

You can use the “Energy & Me” audio program with your child to calm down while practicing the finger hold.

The Guided Imagery Relaxation Journey from MindWorks for Children audio sample link is here at your fingertips!

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For some children just choosing one finger and using that finger hold is effective. Otherwise, you can go through each finger one at a time. Hold each finger with the other hand for 30 seconds -1 minute for children (longer for adults 2-5 minutes for it to feel useful). Hold gently but firmly. You don’t need to squeeze very hard, just enough to feel some pressure. You might even feel a pulsing as the energy moves through.

If you like use this text sample and insert the circumstance or situational stressor where I have indicated below.

“The MindWorks for Children program called Energy & Me is about learning to tell your body how to use relaxing energy. Sometimes we may feel very full of energy. We may rush too much or bump into things. Or maybe we just need to calm down when we are mad or have bad feelings. It helps to learn how to slow down. (Add your child’s issue if different from the suggestions). Let’s try right now, make up a picture in your mind, in your imagination! See yourself on your favorite soft chair or bed. Now breathe slowly and easily. Say: I am calming down. Hold your thumb. Breathe and say: I am calming down.

Say: I am calming down. Hold your index finger

Say: I am calming down. Hold your middle finger

Say: I am calming down. Hold your ring finger

Say: I am calming down. Hold your pinky finger

Slowing down our breath as we pay attention to it, can calm us.

Breathe and say: I can do it ! I can! I feel calm right now!”

We are all energy beings. Our body is electric. Children pick up our vibe, so first calm yourself down before attending to your child’s stress level. This will make all the difference is the success you achieve when helping your child use new techniques. With daily practice, your child will learn how to handle challenging situations constructively.

Be resilient! Be calm! Happy Holidays!

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Thanksgiving for every meal because it’s a sacred interconnected event!

Let’s come together in praise and thanksgiving daily. Let’s demonstrate our appreciation for all there is, for all we are, connected to the web of life and each other.

When we do, we help our children acknowledge the realms of nature and spirit. In this way, they begin to recognize that in the daily breaking of bread, every meal we eat is a sacred interconnected event.

We are connected to the cycles of the moon, to the rain and shine, the root of the root, the farmer, the plants and the entire Universe in a mouthful!

This is what we honor and bless with all our hearts- right here, right now.

In today’s increasingly complex, and sometimes harried world, our children are more vulnerable to symptoms of stress. Feelings of anger, worry, nervousness, depression and loneliness can escalate for children who are unaware of how to manage stressful events. Both positive and negative life events can cause stress in the mind/body system. Children’s inability to know how to manage these types of emotions may be displayed in behaviors such as angry outbursts, impulsivity, aggressiveness, defiance and withdrawal. Disconnection from emotions may also be exhibited in physical symptoms such as headaches, changes in eating and sleeping patterns and lowered immune responses. This can be distressing for children at all ages and for the parents and teachers working with these children. Scientific findings in mind/body studies assure us

the body’s wisdom has a built-in mechanism for regaining clam and balance if we learn skills to elicit the relaxation response. But it seems the most common reaction to stress is to ignore the warning signs, missing the opportunity to restore well-being using natural methods. More importantly, parents must find within their own apparatus the spontaneous ability to parent with power.

Often, I am approached by parents of middle school students whose kids are expected to keep up with the accelerated pace of academic and social life. This pressure includes the preparation for standardized testing and excessive use, almost an addictive quality of connecting with peers through mobile devices. Ask your child to put away his phone and you would have thought you’d asked him to cut off a limb! The intense objection is so alarming, most parents are at loss for their authority in the moment and give up.

If parents themselves haven’t already rushed to get their kids on prescription drugs -thinking this will help; many more kids are smoking marijuana to decompress or buying medication from their peers to ease the chronic anxiety they feel.

What is happening to our kids? In this age of technology there is more dysfunction than function. Our culture is promoting numbing out.

I believe what is missing is the tolerance for discomfort, for “not knowing”. What do I mean by tolerance? I mean we are human beings having a human experience and part of that is having a range of emotions from happy to disappointment from frustration to anger from sadness to pain. All of our feelings there to be felt, appreciated and most importantly grow from. Often discomfort informs us of a need for change, readjustment and adaptability.

Do you notice your family atmosphere is more chaotic than calm, more frantic than fun?

What is missing is the ability to establish a feeling of inner strength, security, confidence and feeling good about yourself —no matter what is happening in life.

I believe what is essential is for parents to reclaim your power to parent, not by using a particular strategy but by recognizing the absolute potency of attachment, specifically “bonding” with your child. When you know how to strengthen the bond you have with your child, you draw him closer. You do this when you act as his compass point. And one of the easiest way to

develop this skill and bonding experience is to make time to be with him. To be present.

Discover together the pleasure of hiking the unmarked trail.

Turn off the cell phone and turn on your physicality with your child. Get outdoors-shoulder to shoulder, stay close, give of yourself, tell him your story as you walk in nature, breathe, feel the freedom, the expansiveness, the life force energy all around you! Allow the “not knowing” of where the trail will take you to become the way of being in the moment…moment by moment…allow the “not knowing” to connect you and keep you safe…allow the “not knowing” to let your child lean on you as a guide…

Here’s the secret sauce: Give your child something of you that he cannot get from his peers, devices, or drugs. Tellyour story, it is the most powerful thing that distinguishes you from everyone else!

Perhaps, you could take a picnic lunch, sit under a tree or by a waterway and tell your story.

A story of a time in your life when you felt anxious, scared, afraid and what you did to help yourself. Maybe it was that you took vigorous bike rides to cope or ran as fast as you could to blow off steam, wrote in a journal, painted, sculpted, took out hammer and nails and build something. Whatever it was, it is the most powerful form of connection you can use to restore the attachment relationship.

What is the quality of a parent “being present”? Presence has the quality of staying with; feeling with. When you can feel with your child, the feelings of discomfort as well as that of pleasure, you model “being present” to all emotions. You are actually holding a space inside your heart, not rushing to take away the pain, but instead, being able to give witness, support and reassurance in an energetic way of being with the pain, first and foremost. Rather than rushing to take action which pushes the pain away or denies it.

We always rush to take the pain from our child or avoid it in the first place.

We can only foster emotional intelligence by flexing the muscles of maturity to withstand unwanted emotions; to feel and accept them thereby developing inner strength. Discomfort allows us to stretch ourselves to make room for discomfort without pushing our feelings away or avoiding them altogether. Life is both pain and pleasure. It’s normal.

Be your child’s compass point, then point the compass itself true north and hand it to your child to navigate the way ahead. While he does, share your story of taking one step at a time in the direction of your dreams.

Tell about the importance of having inner vision, even though your trail is unmarked and there are no sign posts on the path.

Tell of the passion in your heart for your vision in such a way as to transmit the feelings of that vision successfully accomplished and seeing it done!

I know this communication is powerful; it ignites our imagination while listening to the story-teller. I know because my Dad could bring his young life to life every time he told me the story of how he fell in love with Mom. He was sixteen, she was fourteen years old, their dates were at he corner store for an ice cream or a stroll through a park. But always, they would share vision. Dad would do this by taking Mom by the hand and hiking up a mile high stairway in Edgewater, New Jersey overlooking the Hudson River and New York skyline. He’d sit next to Mom holding hands they would dream a dream of a better, more glorious life for themselves.—going to college, getting a degree to become a Certified Public Accountant, designing and building their own home, having children and a happy family. Against the odds and hard knocks; it all came true.

The third key to stress-hardiness is response-ability. Instead of react, the stress-hardy person responds. It is not what happens to you, it is how you respond to it that effects you.

Did you know that when you perceive a threat whether physical or emotional, your body can produce chemical signals that trigger your stress response? When your body is in stress mode

without relief (which is like a car in overdrive) you wear your body out, developing symptoms such as headaches; upset stomach aches; muscle tightness in neck and shoulders; and problems with indigestion and sleep. Visualization and guided imagery are powerful techniques because the brain makes no distinction between real or imaged information. The pictures or movies of our mind are driving our physiology. Guided imagery is not a tool of self-deception; it is a tool of self-direction!

This is why it’s important to use your response-ability and save yourself from unnecessary stress symptoms. When you do, you are able to stay calm rather than feeling anxious, irritable, angry or sad.

You choose how to respond in a moment’s notice with the vigilance of a race car driver. When you react, you are not choosing deliberately. Response-ability requires seeing where your attention is in the moment and holding focused awareness. As a driver, you can see through your windshield the car crashing right in front of you. But in order to avoid crashing yourself, you just keep calm and clear. When you do, you are able to drive around the crash site.

Let’s practice using these resources and activities:

1. Create an obstacle course in your backyard for your child to complete.

2. Go biking with your child and pay attention for ways to take a detour and take them.

3. Play pick-up sticks.

4. Build routines designed to foster response-ability. Model for your child ways you respond with awareness. For example, when you and your child have a broken connection by a misunderstanding or an argument, instead of impulsively reacting with anger or negative emotions, demonstrate a heart-felt way to rebuild the bridge of communication by beginning a conversation like this: “I am determined to see things differently; let’s look at this again.”

5. When you begin determined to see things differently, you are asking yourself to think differently about any situation that upsets you. You realize that even if the situation is not your doing, your way of interpreting it, is completely in your control. Here’s another way you can cultivate insight, say to yourself: “I am never upset for the reason I think.” “I give people and events the meaning they have for me and I can choose differently, now, in this moment.”

6. Use creative resource teaching tales:

Joseph Had A Little Overcoat By Simms Taback The story of Joseph whose ingenuity and perseverance gives him the ability see the value of something held dear as it changes over time.

The Rough-Faced Girl By Rafe Martin The story of a young girl who maintains her sense of dignity and self-worth in spite of hardship and cruelty.

The Empty Pot By Demi The story of a boy’s truth, in the guise of an embarrassing failure is turned triumphant in this satisfying tale of honesty rewarded.

The second key to stress-hardiness is the ability to live in the present moment; not living in the past or the future. Those who live in the past have a tendency to say things like “if only”

I hadn’t done this or that, I wouldn’t have this problem. Other times, you might find yourself worried about the future which sounds like “what if” all these things happen to me, then what?

Oh no! I’ll really be in trouble.

The following are ways you can cultivate present moment awareness:

1. Model for your child a mindset of being present FULLY. Put away the cell phone and look into each others eyes when you speak. Play a game of sixth sensory knowing with your child. Remind them that our ancestors had to develop a keen sense of perception to the world around them for survival. In our modern age, we don’t have saber tooth tigers who threaten our safety, but we do need our kids to have “situational awareness”. What I mean, is that, more often than not, our children are walking around with there heads in their mobile devices. Kids have become less and less concerned about their immediate surroundings. Most of the time they may be safe but we are not teaching them the art of discernment which develops their keen sense of potential threats that exist. As a rule, routinely, ask your child to shut off her/his phone and pay attention. With your eyes and ears wide open- watch and breathe for just a moment. Ask them what they perceive?
2. Next, ask your child to close her eyes and see if she can “feel” or perceive someone entering her personal space. Ask her to tell you how close or far you are standing from them. Keep practicing until your child’s accuracy increases.
3. When your child is apprehensive about upcoming events, try this. Remind your child that in the present moment,nothing bad has happened yet. In this moment, all is well. Mentally, stop the “railroad train of never-ending worry thoughts” by choosing to stay in the present. Awful-izing the worst possible outcome is not using emotional intelligence. Staying present to exactly what is happening is wise. Staying present and open to all of our emotions is a practice of mindfulness, self care and patience. Instead of joining your child in their worry thought, you be calmand send that calm energy out. Your child feels your emotions. To help yourself in the cultivation of calmness, use this phrase with your child: “You have a special way of landing on your feet, even when you worry about things that could go wrong! So stay focused on this moment. In this moment, all is well.” You keep directing your child’s focus by saying: “Remember,(___say your child’s name), you have what it takes to do what it takes to get the job done! But for now, you are here with me and you are safe.” Say to your child: “Take a deep breathe…be still…feel your inner self be still…breathe…feel the peace within you in this magic moment of now. It is always available, even though you may go throughout your day out of touch with your peace, you can come back to it right now…breathe…rest…turn your attention away from the day and bring your attention inward to your breathing…breathe…be still in this magic moment of now.”
4. Use the bell of awareness for practice. Today, most mobile devices have bell tones you can set whenever you like. Set the bell tone to ring every hour. When the bell rings, let it be a reminder to be here, now. Then, breathe, let go of worry, say: “all is well in this moment; I am safe; I am calm.”

5. Once again, teaching tales come to the rescue! Martin Waddell’s Can’t You Sleep Little Bear and Let’s Go Home Little Bear are favorites for young children.

Stay tuned, next we will look at the third key to stress-hardiness: Response-Ability.

Does your child resist changes in daily routine or have difficulty transitioning from one activity to another without having a meltdown? Although this problem may be common, many children adjust swiftly without emotional distress. But what makes the difference? Why are some kids able to shift gears easily while others can not?

In my clinical training with Harvard cardiologist, Herbert Benson,MD at the Mind/Body Program of stress reduction and relaxation, we discovered the major keys to stress-hardiness.

Let’s look at the first key to stress-hardiness: flexible vs. rigid thinking. Don’t we want our kids to
adapt to life challenges and unexpected changes? Of course we do, because no one gets through life without challenges and changes! Those kids who can go with the flow are not only socially better adjusted but they are healthier. Studies show stronger immune responses in those individuals who are stress-hardy.

Here are a few helpful ways you can foster flexible vs. rigid thinking for your child:
1. Welcome the unexpected
Whenever possible, bring your child’s attention to the unexpected happenings in the natural world around them. If you skip over this simple exercise, you miss the opportunity to develop your child’s welcoming attitude for unexpected events. The element of surprise can be used as a psychological lever to promote flexibility.

2. Play the game of “could be good, could be bad”
Make a habit of intentionally playing “the game of could be good, could be bad”.
Jon J. Muth’s Zen Shorts gives you a repertoire of tales to open minds. The Farmer’s Luck illustrates how a situation that initially was thought to be unfavorable, turns out to be most favorable. Reading “Teaching Tales” designed with a morale is a powerful method to show your child though storytelling the unexpected possibilities of life.

3.Ask questions that inspire adaptability
When on vacation, demonstrate the variety of ways you could carry water from the ocean-such as, cup your hands; use a pail or a shoe; something left by the tide like a seashell, and much much more if you practice flexible thinking and engage your child’s imagination. Just ask questions that motivate and guide their ability to explore and adapt.

4. Rearrange the furniture of the mind
Help your child rearrange the furniture in her room. Change it up. Realize our external world effects our internal world. Clear the clutter. Give outgrown toys to those who have none. When you invite your child to be part of the process, the child’s sense of control builds flexibility.

5.Teach your child the art of improvisation!
When I was young, my mother often challenged our creativity by starting a project with everyday objects. She’d use the brown paper cups from an empty candy box and demonstrate how just two tares and flipping the cup over, made a chair for our doll house- the table was simple, turn over the paper cup and there you have a little table to match the chair! “Now, you make one and what else can you make?” she prompted. As we sat at the kitchen table with the candy box of tiny brown paper cups in front of us.

6. Twirl your child in the air while moving into another room to facilitate transitioning to a new activity.
When you spin in a circle the brain unhooks itself from whatever it was attending. This simple tactic of
being playful with your child, sets the tone for excitement and learning. Have fun!

Photo Courtesy of Bettyna Donelson

For more information about ways to cultivate stress-hardiness in your child
visit:www.drroxannedaleo.com
Stay tuned, next we will look at the second key to stress-hardiness: living in the present moment.