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The Time Travel Technique

25 Jan 2017
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Cultivate Healthy Happy Self-Esteem

“The Time Travel Technique”

By Dr. Roxanne Daleo

Have you ever heard or had someone say to you, with good intentions of course, “how can you be so dumb as to…!”

Educational social psychologist, John Gottman’s research on the impact of criticism reports that five positive to one negative criticism mars the individual’s self-concept. In other words, it takes five times as many praises to one critical comment to restore a person’s esteem. That is why the old saying which my mom often referred to is so true: “you catch more flies with honey!”

You can capture your child’s heart with sweetness and honey words of praise using the following. “The Time Travel Technique” illustrates a clever way to anchor your child’s attention in his/her innate positive personal aspects to leverage fostering feeling good about him/herself.

Self-love is essential to self-esteem. You can cultivate the capacity for your child to feel good about himself as he grows into his future-self. How? By helping your child name and know those traits about himself he’s proud of and appreciates about himself. Listing the positive virtues acts like a propeller for healthy, positive self-concept. Consistency is key to the development of positive self-regard.

Here’s how you can make it work. Start with those physical attributes your child was born with such as, the color of her hair, the dimples in her smile, the brightness of his eyes, etc. and name those attractive aspects after a bath or hair washing. “The Time Travel Technique” begins by bringing your child’s attention to:

1.the PRESENT moment “Oh, your hair looks so beautiful today, especially shiny after it’s washed!”

2.Then travel to the PAST “I remember when you were a little baby, the color of your hair in the sunlight brought out the beautiful color!”

3.Next travel to the FUTURE “And I know tomorrow when you brush your hair after a wash, it will glimmer and glow that special color!”

Allow your voice to have a rhythm which your child can follow. Jumping back and forth in the fashion of jumping double-dutch. Notice you can use your voice to lead your child’s reasoning back to the past babyhood, then present, then future self and back again. Back and forth, all the while inserting “yes!” and “you see that?” and “yes!”

Let’s try this technique to point out behaviors that reveal qualities you want to develop in your child. You can give your child the compliment that matches their capabilities and competence in this way.

1.Bring your child’s attention to the PRESENT moment “And you know, honey, that was so kind and caring of you to give your baby brother some of your toys to play with.”

2.Then travel to the PAST “And, yesterday, I noticed how you want good things for other family members and your friends too; like when you read Grandma’s favorite book to her! Yes!”

3. Travel to the FUTURE “And I know tomorrow, when someone needs your kindness, you’ll give them your caring attention by asking ‘can I help you?’”

This script serves as a method to have your child envision or visualize a positive self- image. I call this “phase-ology.” It is the science of visualizing into the future using precise scripting or narrating.

When you help your child know his significance and identity, you cultivate a strong sense of self. By pointing out the behaviors that are life-long skills in managing his emotions, your child receives social and emotional education. Try this next one, it’s the most valuable capacity he can master.

1.Bring your child’s attention to the PRESENT moment: “Hey, Jerry, I noticed you calmed your-self. You calmed down using self-talk! I heard you say to yourself: ‘don’t punch, stay calm.”

2.Travel to the PAST “When you were a baby in your crib, you could calm down by singing and humming to yourself, did you know that?”

3.Travel to the FUTURE “Yes, and I know tomorrow, you’ll remember to slow down, breathe and sing to yourself instead of hitting and throwing things. Yes, and that’s because inside you, you have a special way of calming yourself naturally and automatically by humming and singing. Do you see that? Yes, that’s so wonderful, really, honey!”

As parents and teachers, we can either “uplift” our children and others or “tear down” by our energy and the words we choose.

You can make a difference in the way your child feels about him/herself by putting FOCUS on the now, anchoring a knowingness of the self from the past, then bringing attention to the future-oriented behavior. That’s how you time travel with parental potency and positivity, instead of yelling, reprimanding or criticizing.

Remember the magic ratio is 5:1. It takes five positive comments to offset one negative comment. So be on the alert to catch your child in the act of doing something he/she can be proud of and remark on that, reinforce that good thing about your child and you’ll get good behavior. But more importantly, your child will grow a truly good feeling about him/herself and his capabilities. Look here This is the basis for healthy self-concept.

Go The Distance

25 Jan 2017
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or “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!”

By Dr. Roxanne Daleo

Our home team, the New England Patriots, won Super Bowl 51-having the biggest comeback in Superbowl history. Yeah! After the game,Tom Brady was interviewed, having achieved his fourth Superbowl MVP (Most Valuable Player) award to which he replied, “Football is a game of energy, motion and attitude.”

Yes, and I say, life is also a game of energy, motion and attitude. (Keep that thought, we’ll come back to it.)

Brady often referred to his teammates and coach Belichick as major contributors of his good fortune. He admitted, the team didn’t play as well in the first half; the score was 3-28 in the Falcons favor. But in the locker room at half-time, something amazing happened because by the end of the game the Patriots against all odds and the clock running out, tied up the game 28-28 and for a Superbowl first, they went into over time and won the game 34-28, a SUPER FININH!

Do you think for one minute, the Patriots started feeling sorry for themselves during the game? No, because they were not through going the distance to the finish line. Great athletes train themselves body and mind to stay in the moment with focus and concentration. The Patriots are trained to be present, moment by moment. One play at at time.

We are enrolling others all the time- either to the dreams we hold or to our problems. It’s intrinsic when we enroll to the possibility. We are using the law of attraction with our voice, vision and verve. Our voice because we say it, our vision because we see it and our verve because we believe it. This is the kind of unwavering “combo” we’re talking about – energy, motion and attitude. Do you have it, does your kid? And if not, how do you develop the qualities necessary to go the distance? In the old days, my parents called it “stick to it-ive-ness!”

I believe staying the course requires a mental discipline along with a physicality of health and stamina. Today, many children who have symptoms of stress overwhelm, lack the mindset and skill set to hold vision with passion and commitment. Both can be learned using good nutrition, exercise and stress management.

In my private practice I help children who are anxious and depressed learn new habits of thinking and behaving. The key factor lies in practicingtolerance for feelings of discomfort, such as worry, anger and pain, rather than medicating and numbing the feelings of discomfort. An inability to manage one’s emotions wisely causes stress symptoms such as restlessness, lack of concentration and impulsivity. Prolonged stress without relief leads to physical illness. So it is important to raise awareness by providing relief using effective stress reduction methods.

The ability to get up, try again, hold the vision of your finish line is the distinction between those who have the mind set and skill set and those who don’t. Awareness is a mind/body discipline. A discipline that only comes from a quiet mind, a mind cultivated by basic training of mindfulness meditation.

In the meditation itself you learn how to just sit, be still physically and emotionally by watching and breathing. Watching thoughts go by- just letting them be without judgement or trying to change them. Watching them drift by like a cloud in the sky. As you do, something happens. You start to feel an expansiveness, a freedom, a peace that cannot be disturbed even though you may do through the day unaware of this peace, it is always there.

The more you get in touch with “your true self, your peaceful self” the more old habits and limiting beliefs drop away. Your body/mind is an asset when you learn to take care of it and discover your treasure within.